Ali's Repair Clinic

Yesterday I heard of a new private clinic opening which in essence is like a private A&E. You turn up, pay £85 to see a doctor for assessment then pay for your treatment from a menu of options.
As someone who uses A&E services somewhat frequently, I was interested to find out what the cost would be for an average repair, given the benefits of such a service such as less humiliation and punitive treatment as often found within the NHS could be a welcome relief.

However the price listed for "suturing, glue, steristrips etc" was only listed as "from £20". Now, given the actual cost of stitches, glue, decent dressings and all the rest of it, it became clear that even a relatively small injury repair could end up costing around £300 at this place.
Even removal of sutures was listed as £30. £30 to take a few stitches out!

My first thought was: Send them to me, I'll do it for a tenner!

Then it hit me: Yes! I really could do it for a tenner!

So, I've decided to open up my own self-injury repair clinic. If you've injured yourself and don't want to face an NHS hospital, I'm your woman. Come unto me all ye who are scared of Psych Liaison. Prefer a coffee and a natter when you're being stitched rather than a stern look and a disapproving smirk? Give me a call.

Here is my price list. I think you'll find it's very reasonable.

Gluing wounds: £10 per inch of wound [I'll use superglue, it's just like that expensive skin glue, just a bit less sterile. It'll be fine. Plus at 50p for a tube of Bostik's finest I'll make £9.50 profit per inch]

Suturing:
Simple stitches: £15 per each packet of suture material used. Saline, disinfectant, etc all included in the price. [Stitches are surprisingly cheap if you buy the out of date ones or get them from a veterinary supplier. I'm sure it's all the same stuff for cows as it is for humans. And hey, I'm looking to make a profit here. I'm still cheaper than the posh clinic. As for wound wash and disinfectant, well I'll just stick your arm under the tap for a minute, that'll do. And I'm sure I have a bottle of Dettol somewhere...]
Complicated stitches: (such as absorbable/subcutaneous/mattress stitch/anything fancy) As above but add a £10 surcharge on to the total price. [Just don't ask me to do crochet or anything]
Staples: £10 plus 10p per staple [must remember to pop into Office World for a new stapler before my clinic opens]

*a note about suturing* Lidocaine is just as scarce in my clinic as it is in an NHS emergency department. However I'll give you an ibuprofen and play some plinky background music to help you relax, I'm sure you'll be fine.

Steristrips: £8 per inch of wound. [Sellotape should work, right? Perhaps I should use masking tape instead, it's the right colour. Hmm, might need to take a trip to B&Q for this one]

Dressings: flat rate of £3 each. [This could mean I lose out if someone needs something expensive like Mepitel, but I'll make a fortune on plasters and Cosmopore]

Suture removal: £5 plus 10p per stitch. [I'll have to find my nail scissors, if I boil them up on the stove I'm sure they'll be clean enough and do the job nicely]

Tea/Coffee: £2.50 with free refills [can't skimp on the caffeine, I'm in it to make money yes but I'm not a monster]

Psych assessment: Free of charge. [I could do a much better job than the Thought Police, and I know all the tricks so I'd know when you're lying. A client's obvious disadvantage here makes me reluctant to charge anything, but I promise not to section you unless you really piss me off]

Now I just have to sit back and wait for my first customer...


EDIT:
Since I posted this blog I've been sent lots of ideas how to add to my services, including:

* offering cats/other animals as stress relief
* recruiting current NHS employees to acquire equipment/materials for use in the clinic
* nectar points or other form of loyalty card
* sponge baths [this was rather popular]
* piercings
* singing show tunes while I treat people

Very happy to look into all of the above and work out if they are viable. Watch this space...

I also should point out I received several enquiries about treatments which I will not and could not carry out.
Therefore I feel it my duty to declare that the limitations of the clinic include [but are not limited to]:

treatment of: overdose, poisoning, removal of foreign objects [including but not limited to broken glass and bits of rusty stanley blade]; anything which requires surgery, skin grafts, antibiotics, x-rays; 3rd degree burns; anything gross like scabies or pube lice; anything contagious like chicken pox, measles, common colds; alcohol-related conditions including but not limited to severe vomming and/or diarrhoea, liver disease, headache; depression/anxiety due to internet or mobile phone restriction; PMT; allergies, including but not limited to gluten intolerance, dairy intolerance and any other of those new-fangled "fallergies" people claim to be victims of; unexplained lumps, bumps and temperatures; acts of god including but not limited to earthquakes, tsunamis and frog plagues; extreme happiness whether drug-induced or otherwise; anything caught from shagging anything that wasn't human; weirdos including but not limited to emos, goths, Welsh people; anyone who's ever been a member of the psychiatric profession.

For all of the above, please toddle down to your friendly local emergency department where you can receive appropriate treatment completely free! [But I have better coffee, so Nerr.]