Hello, I need a taxi from Sainsbury's on Thingy Road please, going to HomePlace.
Which entrance of Sainsbury's are you at?
[looks around, can't see another entrance] Erm... the Thingy Road entrance. Near Thatshop and [looks around again] SomewherePub.
OK, are you at the main entrance or weirdlynamedandImustfindoutwhy entrance?
Sorry mate, I'm not sure which you mean, but if you tell the driver Sainsbury's on Thingy Road I'm sure he'll see me. [trying to fend off an impending heart attack at being on the phone for so long] I'm right outside the door, near the pickup point.
Aah, you're near TrendyDistrictName, right?
I'm sorry, I'm new to the area, I don't know where TrendyDistrictName is. [ohgod just fucking send the cab already it's fucking Sainsbury's for chrissakes it's the biggest building in the city that isn't a train station or ski slope] But I'm at Sainsbury's on Thingy Road, right next to the doors, at the pickup point, you can't miss it.
Which entrance of Sainsbury's are you at, the one near SomethingFunky or the one near SomethingIDidn'tQuiteCatch?
Mate I'm really sorry, I don't know where any of those places are. All I know is that I'm in the [fucking massive unmissable so easy to find even I fucking know where it is and I've only lived here 2 weeks] Sainsbury's in town and it's on Thingy Road. You know Thingy Road, yes? [I know he'll say yes because Thingy Road is fucking massive too, even I know where it is and... you get the idea.]
Yeah yeah I know Thingy Road.
Cool, well I'm at Sainsbury's on Thingy Road, the Thingy Road entrance.
That's in the TrendyDistrictName, yeah?
[realises I haven't breathed for the past 97 seconds, takes deep breath] Look, I'm really sorry but all these place names mean nothing to me [plus I thought you said three seconds ago that you know where Thingy fucking Road is you lying piss-poor excuse for a taxi radio controller person]. I don't know any of the names you're saying, I'm really sorry but I don't know where they are. [I swear to god in a minute I'm going to hang up and walk home even if it means leaving my shopping behind - who needs toilet roll anyway??] All I can tell you is I'm on Thingy Road, at Sainsbury's, at the pickup point place where everyone comes to get picked up. If you tell the driver Sainsbury's on Thingy Road... [just lost the will to live, let alone the will to continue the conversation]
OK, tell you what, if you wait at the pickup point, he'll find you yeah? Should be about tenfifteen minutes yeah?
Thank you, yes I know where that is [because I'm already fucking there and I've been telling you I'm there for the past fucking... oh forget it]
What name please?
Erm... [fuck what's my name, he's mashed my brain so much I can't fucking remember. Quick just say a name, any name will do, just say a fucking-]Lisa, the name is Lisa [who in the fucking world is fucking Lisa??]
OK Lisa, tenfifteen minutes yeah?
Yep that's great, thanks. [why is it always tenfifteen minutes? No matter where I am in the country a taxi is always tenfifteen minutes away]
[interlude for banging head against brick wall which I seriously would've done had it not been in public. Also the passage of time should be marked as Thirty Minutes, not the omnipotent tenfifteen as quoted. ohmygodwhatdoIdo did he really understand where I was or should I ring back please no I really can't handle another call today oh christ I knew I should've got home delivery so much for trying to find my way around oh god I'm never going to get home and I've missed Waterloo Road]
[sees taxi]
Hi, you going to HomePlace yeah?
Yeah, hiya [ohmygod I'm so fucking pleased to see you]
What name?
Al-[no fuck it's not Ali fuck what did you say to him quick think]-isa.
Hi Alisa how you doing tonight?
Yeah I'm good thanks, how you doing?
[cut out boring pleasantries as we're driving along]
Hey, I have a question. See that place you just picked me up from, Sainsbury's, what's the best thing to say on the phone? Because the guy when I rang wasn't quite sure where I meant and I was having a hard time explaining to him, I don't know all the road names you see.
Aaah, yeah, it's easy innit, all you have to do is just say you're at Sainsbury's on Thingy Road, then we'll know where to come.
[feigning delight at finally being told this which I alreadyfuckingtoldhimonthephone] aaaah, that's it then, yeah I get it now, OK thanks I'll do that next time. [chews on own hand to stop screaming from the back seat]
[exeunt to the tune of further mindnumbing pleasantries and moaning about roadworks]
LMFAO!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThat should be a skit for some comedy show,.... (no offense) haha,.....
Yeah, I hate phones too but could never explain to people why. I should just write this out and show it when people don't get why I hate talking on phones!
Oh,... and you made me smile in my complete panic/anxiety state that I'm in right now.
Thanks (hugs)
I hate when I forget my name on the phone. People find that baffling and often suspicious - especially when, in my panic, I say, "I'd know it if I heard it."
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, but Ali, this made me laugh so much, made my day. :)
ReplyDeleteAh, I know this routine all too well. Bloody phones. I try to order my taxis online these days partly just cos I can't stand the fucking phone, partly to avoid such confusions. Stupid assholes!
ReplyDeleteThat really was a classic!
ReplyDeleteOmg i havent laughed that much in a long time! I have had those conversations before when i was uni and shopping at sainsburys... it really does make you lose the will to live! So glad you eventually made it home and thanks for making my day!
ReplyDelete*grins*
ReplyDeleteThis happened to me a while ago, I was standing on at the corner of two roads and I couldn't find a street sign for the second road. I was going insane trying to explain where I was. I really felt for you but it did make me smile.
ReplyDelete~Sarah~
PMSL *headdesk* epic.
ReplyDeletethis goes with my 11pm trying to get a taxi outside of St Pancras station. It's freezing, there's a huge queue, eventually get to front of line. Approach taxi, which appears to stop behind other taxi. Only just as I reach for the door, it moves off.
Taxi dude slows down. Not quite stopping, my hand on the open door, he turns around and goes: "so what do you think you're doing then?"
"Er, trying to go into the cab?"
Shit, Ali. You've just had me laughing so much that Paul came storming in to find out what was up with me.
ReplyDeleteOnly you could have written something like that :)
*laughs*
ReplyDeleteYep, that's familiar. :(
This happens to me a lot too with pretty much anything I do which involves more than one sentence spoken out loud... Also, lol at the ending, where you're told to say exactly what you started off saying... Twas funny if infuriating at the time.
ReplyDelete